You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place.
Like you’ll not only miss the people you love
but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place,
because you’ll never be this way again.
Because of my illness in the last couple of days I was’nt able to write I new blogpost for you guys, but I’ve been looking throu my old travelblog from my time in Sevilla and I found a post I want to share with you today. This is a blogpost I wrote more then one and a half year ago. I just arrived in Sevilla at this time and I just wrote down my thoughts about where „home“ aktually is. //
Da ich durch meine Erkrankung in den letzten Tagen leider es nicht geschafft habe einen neuen Blogeintrag für euch zu schreiben, habe ich durch meinen alten Reiseblog gestöbert. Ich bin auf einen Beitrag gestoßen welchen ich vor mehr als anderthalb Jahren geschrieben habe. Dieser Blogeintrag wird nur in Englisch zu lesen sein, doch ich hoffe er bringt euch trotzdem Freude. Ich war damals erst in Sevilla angekommen und habe mir Gedanken darüber gemacht was „Zuhause“ eigentlich wirklich ist.
It is almost two and a half moth ago that I arrived in Sevilla. I remember the day pretty clear. The moment I set down in front of my house, waiting for the owner to come. I thought “Wow, I’m really here.” The fist step into the flat, the friendly “Hello” from my new roommate, the first look into my room… everything felt like in a movie and I was hungry, tired and overwhelmed, but somehow deep inside of me, there was a feeling of happiness. In the evening of this very first day I was sitting on the floor in my room, in the middle of my mess of cloth and unpacked things- and right there I felt safe, happy and somehow at the right place- yeah, I had the feeling of being “at home”.
On my second day I went to the city center and I was so exited and somehow nervous to finally meet my new “home” for the next seven month. With every step I got closer to the city center my heart opened up and as I was standing just in the middle of this unbelievably beautiful city and I felt nothing but gratefulness for being here- this city just stole my heart.
Now I already know “my” city so well, know where to take the bus, where to get good coffee and the best bocadillo. Where to go to have drinks and where to go out to dance. I have my daily routine during the week and always lots of options for the weekend. I have a place I call home and a flatmate which makes it even a better place to be. So I really feel “at home” here and since the very first day I had this feeling of being totally right here- this feeling of “I’m meant to be here”.
But is there really ever a place I’m “meant to be”? Based on which factors could I even judge this? On the experiences I make here and on the feelings and lessons which come with them?
But who tells me that I wouldn’t be at the same “inner”-point in another place too?
So maybe there is no such thing as a place where I’m “meant to be”, but maybe there is this place my soul chooses to make the experiences it needs- and my one chose Sevilla.
Like I said before, I’ve gotten really comfortable here in the past two month, but during the last week I felt really lost and missed Germany a lot.
And so I was wondering about the place we call “home” and if it is really a place we can physically go to?
I’m here in Sevilla and I love the city- it gives so much to grow, but of course there are times I miss Germany so much. When I take a closer look at the times in which I have the strong desire for Germany, than I realize that this are most of the times moments when I feel lost, insecure and not really connected to myself.
So what do I really miss?
I maybe think that I miss the place I call “home” in Germany, the people I love there, the shops and coffee shops I’ve always visited and all the other “outward” things. But I know exactly that when I will be back in Germany I will miss Sevilla as much as I miss Germany right now.
So could I say from now on I have to places I call “home”? I don’t know.
I think what I really miss is the feeling I had at this place. So I miss the person I was. So I don’t really miss a “place”, but more the way it made me feel, the way I experienced myself through all the outward things- through the places I went, with the people that surrounded me and the flat I lived in.
So when I get the strong feeling of missing “home” here, I actually miss a part of myself I was more connected with at this place as I am right now. And because I also have here outward things that make me feel and experience other parts of myself- I’m going to miss them too. It doesn’t mean that I lost this parts, its just that right now I can’t connect with them so strongly.
It’s not about the “things” and “places”– these are just forms- It’s always about the “WHY”.
Why does it make me feel that way?
So I think “home” is not a place you can go to. Home is within you. The real home is inside yourself.
What doesn’t mean that you can’t love a place more than another one or that you shouldn’t call it home. It doesn’t say either that you can’t miss the people you love or the places you love. Because properly your soul has a connection to this people, that’s why you feel so good talking to them and that’s why you miss them.
But if you found “home” inside yourself it can never get lost- it was never lost in the first place.
So my conclusion is:
When “home” is inside yourself, you are everywhere “at home”.